June 13, 2008

Friday, June 13, 2008
Experience the Luxury


I realized the other day that I never wrote about the cruise I went on. A lot happened and there were many components to my trip last month. Truthfully, there is just too much to condense into a single blog. I spent 3 days before the cruise hanging out with family and friends in the Boston area. I took off on a boat and was at sea for 2 days and docked in Bermuda for 4 or 5 days. Then it was back out to sea for a few days and I spent 3 more days in the city, spending quality time with quality people. I was looking through my journal and found this entry I wrote May 16thand I think it summarizes the cruise experience (the boat part) pretty well. Unfortunately for you, this isn't my actual diary so you don't get the scribbly- pigtailed drawings of myself giving thumbs-up, the squiggles, pseudo-dramatic punk lyrics and various characters that grace the pages of my actual diary, but you can imagine how much better the original is.

May 16, 2008

Oh yeah! We're cruisin'! Cruisin' is the lamest thing you'll ever love. What starts as a boat full of strangers, turns into this sort-of mini society of people. For instance, you end up making small talk in the buffet line, sharing your beach experiences in the hot tub and talking about your family and hometown over a pint at the local pub when you run into one another. At least, this was my experience. It was kind of awesome, but I am a sucker for these situations- forcing strangers to feel a comradery with one another through a shared experience, even if it is one as lame as cruisin'.

There are all kinds of bizarre entertainment and forced consumerism integrated into the experience, like being offered $8 cocktails at every turn. Also, they have these little QVC-like presentations on jewelry and crappy knock-off art. The boat staff constantly takes your picture and then they try to sell them back to you for $40 each. It's crazy how much they push you to spend and ironically I haven't spent a penny since setting foot on the ship (my mom flipped for the pina coladas).

There is this main, cruise director guy named Fith. Yeah, like "filth" without the "l," pronounced like "fifth"- but no second "f" in the spelling. He's a total Guy Smiley character, trying to sell you raffle tickets ("Folks, this is an UNBEATABLE OFFER!!"), gets you riled for the bingo game ("Only $30 per Bingo card, Folks. What a DEAL!!") And tries to sell the dime-a-dozen imports you find on the island as some once in a lifetime purchasing opportunity. Dink. Yeah, he's a dink.
The seas have been stormy and the boat is rocking like crazy. Mom and I went up to the buffet to get some breakfast and you had to stand with your feet shoulder width apart or you would fall over. Everything was chaos, but I was somehow able to manage to make up a plate and grab an oj with minimal spillage. I ate with one hand constantly on the oj, so it wouldn't topple onto the floor and one hand trying to eat and simultaneously hold onto my plate. It was pretty hilarious! Some of the people around us lost their breakfast to the floor. Every so often we would hear silverware and plates crash onto the floor followed by a gruff, equally loud "God damn it!!" The croissant basket toppled off the buffet table. Elderly patrons walked arm in arm, clutching onto the tables when we would hit an exceptionally large wave. At the coffee bar, we overheard talks of significant others hauled up in their cabins with severe sea sickness and complaints of seasoned cruise-goers already crafting their letters of complaint. I thought it was sort of awesome. I mean, we're on a friggin boat. Sure, this is supposed to be luxury; we all paid thousands to be here, right? We should expect Mother Nature to realize this, bow to our will. Calm the sea while we pollute it, carry us gently on our way while we shove more quarters into the slot machine and let us eat in peace until we're busting at the seams. Come on, fucking ocean, this is our fucking vacation.

I was a little concerned for the older people, I hope no one was hurt and I am sure a lot of people worked very hard to afford to go on this trip, but I can't help but feel like a cruise ship is an exceptionally obnoxious, flashy way to travel and spend a vacation and I can't help but feel like it's a little naive of people to set out to sea and not consider the risk of running into violent waters.

Oh, and I've learned that I am not a gambler, not by any means. I sort of hate it. First off, the machines don't make sense to me. I sat down at one and my mom tried to explain it to me, but I wasn't catching on. Ok, I need to get 3 pigs in a row, extra points if I get a pile of mud and nothing if I get a wolf. However, if I get 3 wolves in a "V" shape and a pile of mud in the shape of a star I win triple whatever I bet. Yeah, fuck that. Plus, I am way too frugal for this. This is not how I want to spend my money. Video games, Ok. But, betting $1 or $5 that some computer will deal me a good hand, line up some pigs and mud just right, just doesn't seem worth it. My mom is super into the casino though, which is fine. I could be of use carrying around her token cup flirting with her blackjack dealer.

The nightlife on the ship isn't bad. There's a little bar with a dance floor. I got a middle aged woman up to dance to "I Wanna Dance with Somebody" with me and made friends with this cute couple my age by getting crazy to "Beat it." When I was sick of dancing I checked out the karaoke. Imagine a room able to seat about 2,000 people, with a stage- and you're on it… and singing "Jessie's Girl." Yeah, it was kind of an awesome karaoke experience. Now, I have a fan base on this ship. Sweet!

So, I guess despite the dinks, the consumerism and all the reasons to not like this cruising thing- it's actually pretty fun when you can make it bow to your will. I don't think I would ever shell out money to travel this way, but if someone wants to take me, I will certainly go- especially if they wanted to plan some kind of cruise ship mutiny.